What is wrong with me? There are days where I dread being with RRRR then there are days where I am completely happy and content. But WTF? I shouldn’t settle for anything less than what I want. People do not cheat unless there is really something missing in their relationship right? I love RRRR, I deeply care about him, but idk if I am really in love with him. Like if I am still searching for someone else that can make me happy then no right? Like he is not the one for me right? I confuse myself sometimes too. I told my lab partner about the Filipino/Fiji guy and she told me I should text him. So I did. We started talking, added each other on fb and instagram, and I was like damn I am hella feelin this dude. He is fine as shit too, so that doesn’t help. But fuck is this all infatuation? It might be, so I shouldn’t care about what he thinks of me right?
So heres the deal. I texted that dude and he seemed genuinely happy to hear from me. But since he was honest from the get I thought I should tell him that I had a bf. I was completely honest with dude. Told him I live with RRRR, told him my whole situation with RRRR and how I swear I try to break up with him all the time but he always weasels his way back and I forgive him or don’t actually break up with him. I thought me and this dude were on the same page. So he was suppose to come down on Friday and I was gonna go to his friends house party. Then change of plans, his friends decided to go to SJ instead (which is where he lives) and he told me if I go there he’ll come see me on Saturday which was the next day. But forreal? SJ? Like that is hella far from DC. No, you aint even my man, wtf you come see me.
So we ended up not seeing each other and he texts me on Saturday talking about how he was thinking of me and wanted to text me but was afraid that I was with my man and didn’t wanna get me in trouble. So I was kind of irritated. He said he wanted to visit me that day but I already made plans to go to The Ice Cream Bar with RRRR. So I told him I couldn’t and that we could just hangout next Friday, but he leaves for Vegas that weekend so that wasn’t gonna happen.
WTF right? Like I straight up told him, I’m hella busy but I can make time for him on Tuesday and not go to my boxing class and just kick it with him. In all honesty I don’t even know what type of relationship we would have started… Like I am not the type to just have a fuck buddy, but at the same time hello I was still dating RRRR. Anyways he told me he did want to see me and that was it. Like ew whatever.
So the next day was Sunday and I ended up going to the World Baseball Classic with one of my best friends. We get lightweight buzzed and I decided to text him. He claims he was at a wedding, which I did not believe. And he told me he would call me, which he never did. Like I’m hella trippen off this dude. Ugh I think its just the fact that he is hella fine and I am lightweight over RRRR. I hate this. I made time for him, gave him hella chances. Fuck this, I do not have time for his bullshit. Ughhhhhh
So let me tell you what happened in my crazy ass dream last night k? So I don’t know what it is but maybe I’m just being insecure or something but my dream was craaaazzzzyyy. So this is what went down.
RRRR, his two friends, and I were all walking around by what looked like the pier. The water was like going over and it seemed like high tide. So then we go to have dinner. It’s us four sitting at one table and these two females walk past us and sit at the table right behind us. One of RRRR’s friends wanted to go holla and asked RRRR to come with him. I wasn’t even trippen. So they go sit with them and I’m at the other table with one of his friends. Then they start drinking, and the two females start making out and tell RRRR and his friend to make out too. So they do. And I touch RRRR’s friends shoulder and I’m like look, WTF? And then synchronized both females and RRRR and his friends kiss. Like RRRR with one female and his friend with the other female. So my ass got up and grabbed her while she was kissing RRRR and just start whoopin her ass. And then I started asking her why the fuck she was kissing my bf? And she goes “He told me you were just some bitch that likes him and that you guys aren’t bf and gf.” So then I started to punch her in the face and on her head and then I go up to RRRR and start punching him too. I mean he was at fault. And then after I got done I ran away and started crying. And what was so weird was I guess we were suppose to get married or something? Hella weird. But the next day I was at the wedding place getting things ready and when the guy helping me asked me to practice going down the aisle I started crying and ran out saying I couldn’t do it. So that same day RRRR was blowing up my phone but I didn’t answer. And I just texted him with “Put all my shit in a bag and I’ll pick it up. Anything I ever gave you, give it back, it’s over.” Like wtf how is he really gonna do that to me? And then I woke up.
What a weird dream huh? Like I don’t know what to make of it. Is it because I’m being insecure? Is it because I’m afraid of losing him? Like what is it? I mean right now me and RRRR are technically not bf and gf, is it because I want to feel secure that he won’t do something shady like that to me? But they say dreams aren’t always what they seem. Like I may dream of this but there could be a whole different meaning behind it. I’m so confused and I need answers. This would have been too long of a text to send to someone, so help me out please. I hate this feeling. =/
So some of you may or may not have read my first Bad experiences= Great Stories on my other tumblr…. but this one I kinda only want the very few of you to know. Like basically only most of my close friends follow me on this one because they know my reasons for this one… Anyways let me begin to explain what went down last night…
So last night I brought RRRR some food from my parents restaurant. I was with my little brother and the three of us went to Walgreens. So as we were leaving Walgreens that one bitch I almost fought was coming in and RRRR pulled his hand back hella fast and I went what? And looked up and it was her.First of all that bitch is the girl that tried to fight me because she’s RRRR’s ex gf’s “cousin.” And that was when we were at a party and she was dumbass drunk. So obviously that bitch wasn’t drunk this time and wasn’t gonna say anything stupid to me cause she should fucking know better. So me and RRRR get into the car and I’m fucking pissed! I mean how fuckin embarrassing is that shit? She’s probably gonna text RRRR’s ex gf and be like “I saw RRRR with that one bitch and he hella pulled his hand away from hers…. HAHAHAHAHAHA” Whatever so I told RRRR while we were in the car that it was over. And as we’re at the stoplight he opens the door and tries to get out. And I pull him from his sweater and tell him to close the door. And he’s like trying to get out of the car but I slapped him hella fuckin hard twice and told him to close the door. The light turned green and he was still trying to get out of the car and people were honking at us, and my little brother was in the back telling me to stop. So I closed the door for him and started driving towards his house.
So once we get to his place he gives my brother his keys and told my brother that me and him needed to talk. So he looked at me and said “So this is it?” And I was like yeaa this is it WTF? Like I started hella bawling because I felt like he was fucking embarrassed of me or some shit. Like if him and his ex gf are really fuckin over then he should of never pulled his hand back. WTF! I was hella bawling. Like I felt like I hella wasted my time on this dumbass dude. And I straight up told him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and that I deserve better. So he starts getting out of the car again and I pull his sweater again. And this time he takes his sweater off and breaks free from me. So I fucking pushed his ass out of the car and start hella bawling. Like I really felt like shit. Like I felt like he must have not really liked me because he was so fucking embarrassed to hold my hand in front of those females.
So I start my car and tell my brother to get inside the car. Then RRRR punches his car and fucking yells. Then he comes back into my car and is sitting in the passenger seat crying. My brother went back inside RRRR’s car and me and RRRR are just sitting in silence as he cries. I felt hella bad. Like terrible. I had no idea on why he was crying… So I apologized for slapping him. I said sorry for hurting him but he hurt me emotionally, but that wasn’t an excuse for me hitting him. And I hugged him and was rubbing his back and was telling him to stop crying.. He wouldn’t stop so I asked him why he was crying. He then stopped and asked me again if this was it. If we were really gonna stop talking. And I said yes. And that I hope his ex gf’s friends were worth it. And then he started bawling. He was bawling for like 3 minutes and then he hugged me. But I didn’t hug him back. I couldn’t help but think of “Poopy” and when he cried. And RRRR said “Can you please hug me back?” So I hugged him and he cried some more. Then he was getting ready to get out of my car and he straight up kissed me on the lips. Just a peck. And then he opened the door and I asked him to hug me one last time. And he hugged me hella tight. Like he squeezed me and was smelling my hair and was just hugging me like he didn’t want to let go. He was hella bawling. And I felt so bad, but at the same time I figured, damn he must really like me to fucking bawl out like this in front of me. And RRRR is not the type to do that. So after our hug I told him to look at me. And I asked him if he still wanted to be with me even after all that shit that happened and he said yes. And I asked him if he would ever do shit like that again, and he said no. And I told him I’m sick and tired of fighting, and he said he doesn’t wanna fight anymore and he wants us to be okay. So I told him okay, let’s be okay. And he kissed me hella times. Just pecks. And he hugged me again. And he kept saying sorry and that it was his fault, and I said yes it was, but I should of never hit him and let it get as far as it did. And that was the end of the night.
As I dropped him off in front of his house he kissed me hella times again and I think he was really thankful I wasn’t ending things. Sometimes I wonder to myself why he really does put up with my shit? But I too sometimes wonder why I put up with his shit. So as me and my little brother were going back home, my brother asked what happened and if RRRR was crying on my shoulder. I said yes and explained to my brother what happened. Then my brother starts crying! And I’m like WTF why are you crying? And he goes “Because I feel bad for RRRR tash. Your hecka mean and he cried for you and still wants to be with you. I didn’t know he was sensitive like me. I feel bad for him.” And I was like WTF Kev feel bad for me too! He hurt me too! Emotionally!! But that’s what happened last night. Crazy huh? I swear we go through some crazy ass shit. I hope you read this, because I think I’m gonna put it on private soon… Haha.
Honestly, I can’t help but feel this way. Fuck you, and all the other guys before you. I can’t help it. I really can’t. Trust me, I want to just be whatever about it but I can’t be. I just automatically think of the worst possible situation. Can you blame me? I mean cmon! Really!? Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and let all the frustration and anger out, but I don’t. Sometimes I feel like letting all my emotions fall out like teardrops, but then I think that you are not worth crying over. No guy is worth my fucking tears, I’ve cried so many times over stupid ass dudes, and I WILL NOT CRY FOR YOU. When the thought even enters my mind I brush it off because like my mom said, “There are plenty of guys out there, he is not the only one.” Wish she could take her own advice, but that’s a different story.
I will give him one week. Without telling him. One week. Show me what you got. Show me your worth it. If not, I need to give you up, because I need to get my priorities straight. And right now, you cannot be my priority. School will and should always be first. Guys can come later on in life. I need to be on my grind. Family, friends, school, work, and progress towards my career. That should be the only thing on my mind right now. I need to get out of lala land and step into reality. Do I want to graduate within a year or two or three years? Do I want to go to medical school or not? I need to remember what I’m suppose to be doing. I need to remember what’s important.
Christmas is coming up; SO SAVE SAVE SAVE; Stop shopping for yourself and save your money for Christmas gifts…
- Mom ??
- Dad ??
- Kevin (G-shock?)
- God Children
CJ- Something Hello Kitty
Carlo- Bakugun (spelling?)
Nicolas- Something boyish (Ask Ate Wendy)
- Some cousins (Clothes, something cute)
- RRRR (xbox 360)
- Kuya and Adings (???)
- Some friends (???)
- Admin Job (???)
- Procurement Job (???)
Ughh hella money being spent! Time to save is NOW!
Not gonna lie. I think my guard is up and I am not letting it down. I can’t help it. How many times have I been fucked over by dudes? How many second chances do I have to give for them to realize shit? It aint fair, and until I feel secure, my guards gonna be up. I really do like him, but I know he aint ready to be in a relationship with me, so until then, no we are not together, we are “talking.” I will say shit that gets you mad, get over it. My status will say single, because technically I still am single. But just know, I am single, but not interested in anyone else but YOU. So stop with all that bullshit. I never gave you a reason to not trust me, but you gave me the biggest reason to not trust you. Yes I’m insecure, I will admit it. Yes I do believe there are other females out there that are prettier than me and are more your type. Can you blame me? Maybe if you just made me feel like I am the only one that matters to you, then things might be easier. But I don’t want to tell you this. I want you to know this and do this on your own. And until then… we will never be in a relationship.
I fucking hate when my parents are arguing. Especially when I haven’t seen them in awhile and then when I do, there they go arguing again. I swear, can’t we all just be happy? Why do they always have to argue? I sit there, right in front of them and they are just going at it. I swear I just wanted to start crying and tell them to stop. Life’s so fucking short. Be happy. Please. Enjoy each others company. Yeah you both have fucking gambling problems, we all know this. So fucking do something about it. It fucking makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t ask you guys for shit, I know you have shit to pay for, but at least you don’t even have to worry about your fucking daughter. You don’t have to pay for shit anymore cause I pay for fucking everything myself. I rarely ask you guys for anything, and when you guys come to my new “home” to visit me, you guys fucking argue. I just wanted to start crying as I sat there watching them. It makes me sick. Why are they arguing about money? It’s their fucking fault for gambling. They shouldn’t get mad at each other about money problems when it’s their fault. They shouldn’t blame each other when it’s BOTH of their faults. It doesn’t matter who’s paying for what and why their broke, do something about it then.
I want to get married and be married and be happy forever and ever. Sounds too good to be true right? But I know it’s possible. Everyone goes through shit, every marriage has its up and downs, but just stick it through. Marriage is not a joke. Don’t fucking get married if your not willing to stay until the end of time with that person. Anyways, my little rant about my parents just went into a rant about marriage. WTF! Can I just relax please? If it aint one thing, its another. I hate this shit.
That I will most likely go to, in the order I would want to go to:
1. Howard University- DC
2. Albany Medical College- NY
3. University of Santo Tomas- Philippines
Sorry mom and dad, but Harvard, UCSF, Yale, and Stanford are just waaay too hard to get into.
Experience is the worst teacher- it gives the test before presenting the lesson
Page 1 of 7